This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
