I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
