Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
