I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
