is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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