they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
