wakey wakey hands off snakey
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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