Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
