No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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