I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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