i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
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