Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
