I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
