why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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