Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
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Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize