Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
