I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
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the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
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Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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