There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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