she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
