if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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