Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
