everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
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