I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
