Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
