Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I have fence marks all over my body
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
