I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
