Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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