Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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