If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
