I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
