Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
