i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Randomize
