just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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