so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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