Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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