What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
