So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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