Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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