Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
