There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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