Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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