In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
