yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
do herpes really smell.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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