I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
