She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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