If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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