I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
