Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
