I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
