Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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