i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
