sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
