"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Randomize
