Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
