Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
