I am midnight drunk by noon
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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