we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
