dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
