So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He better not be in your backpack
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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