Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
