I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Welp...herpes.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
